I could have also named this episode as The One Which Got Me Arrested.
I didn’t, as I realised that I live in a country known for a culture that allows us to question anything with impunity (yeah!). Where there is no word for religion, other than the one which also means “correct behaviour” (yeahh!!). In addition you all won’t mind, as I am sure the “good friends” I shared this episode for personal consumption, knew with whom to re-share the link (yeahhh!!!). And even if otherwise, this is a work of fiction, which has no relation whatsoever to history or religion (yeahhhh!!!!). And finally, not many people give a damn about what a relatively unknown wannabe-writer, with extremely dense prose style, pecks out about goodness-knows-what (yeahhhhh!!!!!).
On a totally unrelated note, remind me to tell you guys about a theory which correlates the number of exclamation marks in a paragraph, and mental stability of the writer of the same.
So, Islandus Uglie, has been requested to “fill in for a posthumous brother” with his (the posthumous one’s) two newly wedded wives. This arrangement is fully approved by their common mother (the brothers’ mother) Queen Veracity, nee Miss Bootifulbo Dee. They are housed in a secluded mansion, provided with all facilities for fulfilment of his… umm… brotherly duties, and the aftermath of the same. Along with the two Queens Eenie and Meenie, the favourite nurse of the Posthumous King Strangulatus, Miss Teenie is also sequestered there. Uglie specifically asked for the damsel. Ostensibly she was there to take care of the queens. But it was difficult to understand, as Miss Teenie seemed to be quite nauseated and unwell, especially in the mornings. But hey… Uglie was a learned sage.
In the meantime, the Regent Terribelus took good care of the kingdom. Ably supported by the Resident Mentor of the kingdom, Mentor PityBoi.
The story of Mentor PityBoi, and his twin sister, Miss PityGal, was kind of interesting. The Old King, King Pacificus Atomus, as we know, had this habit of going for long rides along river fronts, and sparsely populated woods. During one such visit, he came across a Holy Man, whose name he didn’t remember.
This Holy Man was trying to explain to a quite distraught (and reasonably attractive) local woman that he was a very Holy Man, and had many holy things to take care of, and he never touched her, as per his holy memory. So the twins she so vehemently maintained were his, must have come from… umm… a mishap he had on a clump of weeds in the jungle when he stumbled and fell. On the damsel, perchance. In fact he was sure she was sent by some rogue god, to make him lose his concentration. She had looked quite ravishing that day. She must be some celestial nymph. In the employ of the naughty gods.
Now, King Pac understood such “celestial affairs”, having been part of one (with “Lady Gargles”), which had resulted in Prince Terribelus. So he took pity on the twins. And agreed to take them as his wards. And paid the “celestial nymph”. To go someplace away. Be it to naughty gods, or not-so-naughty (and preferably not-so-holy) men. King Pac named the twins as PityBoi and PityGal. PityBoi was a smart and intelligent boy, and soon became a very smart and very intelligent young man. One proof of his intelligence was that he soon rose in the ranks, and became the Resident Mentor of the kingdom of Elephantiston. Another proof of his intelligence was that before the roving eyes of King Pac renamed PityGal as PrettyGal, he got her married to a smart itinerant mentor, by the name of Mentor PolPot.
There was a story behind Mentor PolPot being born to another Holy Man, when his holy father was seduced by a “celestial nymph”, and he fell on her… pot. This kind of “celestial” mishaps were quite common for the Holy Men of that time, Somehow the celibate Holy Men, out of no fault of their own, were seduced, or tricked, or tripped into having children with a lot of “celestial nymphs”, who quickly turned into belligerent damsels belonging to the local population, who tried to besmirch the good name of Holy Men of the Intermediate Earth. Seems that problem continues in a few countries. Holy Men, and their celibacy under constant attack. Oh… the travails of being HOLY!
Coming back from this wandering, in the main narrative, the currently active Holy Man, Islandus Uglie … umm… applied himself rigorously to the task in hand. In spite of their earlier reluctance, the Queens Eenie and Meenie were quite cooperative. They realised that though Uglie was one of the people who were… umm… darker by skin… there were certain advantages. He was quite generously… learned. He was a very learned man, and they considered it their good fortune to have the pleasure… of his company. And his learning.
And Teenie kept to herself. To the envy of the other attendants, she wasn’t burdened with any tasks. Just that she was not supposed to meet anyone else, and all her interactions were with the Queens and Uglie. And definitely the good life suited her, as she had gained a lot of weight (and attitude) before this decision to sequester her was taken by Uglie, and explained to all the other attendants.
And after a little over an year’s time, Uglie presented to Queen Veracity and Regent Terribelus … umm.. the fruits of his toils.
The three brothers were mewling and puking in their mothers’ arms. Wait… there were three?
The first, in Queen Eenie’s arm, looked strong and healthy. Though he looked a little darker than usual. But it would be a blind person who thought that the son of the milky skinned Eenie, and the equally fair King Strangulatus Atomus (“may gods give his soul peace”) could be anything but regal white in complexion. He was quiet boy, and not at all dark. He was called Prince Patientus Atomus. Or Pat for short.
The second (younger looking) chap in Queen Meenie’s lap looked a little weakly and jaundiced. And he was quite fair. Just as expected. And unless you were blind, just like his elder brother was. He was mild and milky fair… even though a little yellowish with jaundice. He was called Prince MatchingColorus Atomus. Or Mat for short.
Now the third one. He looked exactly like King Strangy. But he was doing his “mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms”. Nurse Teenie held him lovingly, and proudly.
Before we can know his name, Queen Veracity spoke up: “Greetings my son. What is the meaning of this? Thanks for the grandsons in the arms of Queen Eenie and Queen Meenie, but prithee tell does Nurse Teenie have… your benediction?“
Regent T: “Yes, here is one half brother of the posthumous King who has to … who can’t… whatever… and the other half brother is spreading his… watchamkallit “benediction” to everyone he crosses.”
Uglie smiled his disarming smile. That is, the smile a master assassin smiles while he disarms his “client” and said: “I am a learned man, and was diligently working towards the continuation of my half-brother’s line. This woman was sent my way by the Queens, as they seemed to be unable to sustain my aura.”
Queen V, a smart woman did some calculations, especially that the third child seemed a wee bit elder to the other two, and the import of the position of Nurse Teenie as the favourite of King Strangy. She also remembered that Teenie wasn’t as easy to control as Eenie and Meenie. Rather than letting this play into the hands of Terry, who could get her (and her child) under his control, Queen V decided to sacrifice one of her grandsons’ future for the good of the kingdom. As it would be good for the kingdom that Regent Terry not get more power.
She cleared her throat, and intoned regally: “The brother of my two royal grandsons shall be raised in and near the palace, so that he can be a loyal servant of his royal brothers. Just his education would be on administration, and laws, and everything else… just no weapon’s training. He isn’t of royal blood. Like his royal brothers.”
Uglie understood the drift and played along: “This son of … I mean this grandson of Queen V will be wise. May be wiser and more mature than his elder brothers. He shall be called Expertus. Minister-Designate Expertus No-Last-Name. Lovingly called Ex”
On Uglie’s gesture, an elegant attendant gently took Baby Ex out of Teenie’s arms. And on Queen V’s gesture, a burly guard not-so-gently escorted Teenie away, before she realised what happened.
While Teenie kept shouting something inane (and “impossible”) about blood, and rights, Queen Meenie looked snidely at her Sister Queen, and whispered: “Don’t worry elder Sister. It would be a blind man only who would think that the first-born son of the King (“may gods give his soul peace”), and more importantly the future king of Elephantiston could be anything but fair. Just like my son Mat, his brother Pat must be “regal white”. No one is going to be blind to that. Right SISTER?”
Queen Eenie looked at the predatorial smile on the face of her Sister Queen, and kept caressing her son. She thought “He is fair. He must be fair. Only a blind man would think he is anything but. He will be King. My son WILL BE KING. Someday!”
Random Mythoscopy 